Sadness

"I have neither the time, energy, or mental capacity to deal with all of the emotion you come with."

A friend sent me this. I guess everyone has their limits. It is so sad. I know i Make mistakes, i never knew it would be like this. If i did i would have kept the masks on. It's hard to open up i guess i did that too much. Lesson learned. Not everyone can accept everything. Shit if this person couldn't, no one can. Reading that broke my heart and spirit.
I really am that bad.
Sad.

Anger

I'm so angry right now. At myself and friends, so called friends. I am angry because i am to emotional. I am angry became this has pushed away someone very close to me.  I don't know what to do with these emotions. I don't know who to talk to. I want to post everything on Facebook but i guess that's what go me in this situation. I just need some support. I guess people have limits to how much they can support you. I can't be mad. But i am . I mean i guess i don't blame someone who wants to stop fucking with me. I'm a mess. I don't let people close cause now look..one of the few person i trust the really most, to love me and not judge me is gone...that energy i needed...i pushed away being me...a me that i despise. And don't know what to do with. I am so sorry. I can't stop crying...
I wish i didn't care.
I wish i could not give a fuck.
I want to punch something
I almost said i wanted this person to feel my pain
But i don't.
I love them
No one should feel like this
No one
But me

Blog

A blog is for thoughts right? Well i thought some shit... I miss someone right now. It hurts. But such is life i guess. I gave up Facebook for a month. I might not go back. Idk. I wrote a letter today to the person i miss. I didn't send it because i doubt they care, that in itself hurts. I feel empty, not completely. Just a small part is empty. I tell this person a lot and now i don't know Who to talk to. Guess i messed this up really good. Smh

I don't need a man....

The title is a saying that runs ramped with women.  I have  been one to say that. Mostly in my younger years after dealing with bullshit relationships. Its not to say  I don't want a man. I do. At some point. What i don't want is "Love" (I quote that because i probably don't even know what love is) that keeps finding its was to my doorstep uninvited. The last couple times i fell for someone, it was completely by accident. (is that possible?) And I would get in my fantasy world (i swear i think I'm still 12 inside)  i would imagine these "unexpected" feelings to be some divine intervention or some shit..and because i wasn't looking that would make it all the better.. Smh i don't know what's wrong with me. I fall in love with my fantasy then get mad, when reality gets real. The thing is I KNOW all along. Yet, i keep thinking maybe some how. I keep wasting time wondering shit i already know. Letting myself down.  Leading myself on. I am my worst enemy. When will i be enough for me? I guess to say i don't "need" a man is a cop out. At least for me, when i planned on being alone with my cats or some shit not because i didn't need or want one. I just don't want the hurt that comes along with the process. And i keep hurting myself. The question is how do i stop? I know why, because i honestly don't think i deserve love or will find someone who will love me the way i love. Ik my inner child is crying and she's seeping into my adult life...i just don't know what to do. I'm tired of crying, and hurting. And it's my fault. I should have written this on paper but it was just easier to sit on the end of my bed and let my thumbs go to work.

Forever not for now

I just want forever. I have always wanted forever.

Why Can't I Show My Breasts

Today I was trying on some clothes that were gifted to me. I came across a long brown and greenish dress that fit me very nice. I loved how it felt on my skin and how it looked with my brown boots. Brown is probably one of my favorite colors to wear. Anyway, as I was looking in the mirror admiring myself I couldn't help but notice how this dress really accentuated my breasts. I really like how they looked and my cleavage was beautiful! I began to think about what would happen if I wore it out of the house. I had a few questions.

• 1. Would people think I was trying to get attention.
• 2. Would I be viewed as inappropriate?
• 3. Would i be taken less seriously
• 4. WHY CAN'T I WEAR WHAT I WANT AND NOT HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THESE DAMN THOUGHTS!

Why do I want to show my breasts? I just don't want to hide them, If I like how I look and how I feel.
Now honestly I was never comfortable in my own skin enough for the thought to even cross my mind about showing some cleavage. So that in itself is new to me. I happen to be falling in love with who I am inside and out. It is pretty sad to me, that because women are constantly being viewed as sexual objects I can't show some cleavage. Body image is something that women have to deal with everyday. We are surrounded by images of women in videos, magazines, movies, TV shows etc. these images effect our thoughts and actions. Being able to love yourself is not easy, especially since you have you really know yourself in order to do that.

I just know that this is something that really has me frustrated. Women have it bad.

Will we ever not be looked at as sexual objects?

New Years

I woke up thinking about NYD. i know many people make resolutions with the intention of being better. I dig it. But remember every day is new. So while you make a resolution, if you fall. Get up.
Most importantly be with people who will support you desire to change. No matter what. Be with people who will give you tough love. Be with people who also want more want better for themselves. Because those who don't, will bring you down. Everyone should want to do better.
Make a plan for how you will stay on track with your goals. Organize you mind, body, spirit, Calender, office, life. And stay up on it for best results. If you have to put yourself on a schedule, DO IT.

That's all i have for now,
PEACE
MVP