The title is a saying that runs ramped with women. I have been one to say that. Mostly in my younger years after dealing with bullshit relationships. Its not to say I don't want a man. I do. At some point. What i don't want is "Love" (I quote that because i probably don't even know what love is) that keeps finding its was to my doorstep uninvited. The last couple times i fell for someone, it was completely by accident. (is that possible?) And I would get in my fantasy world (i swear i think I'm still 12 inside) i would imagine these "unexpected" feelings to be some divine intervention or some shit..and because i wasn't looking that would make it all the better.. Smh i don't know what's wrong with me. I fall in love with my fantasy then get mad, when reality gets real. The thing is I KNOW all along. Yet, i keep thinking maybe some how. I keep wasting time wondering shit i already know. Letting myself down. Leading myself on. I am my worst enemy. When will i be enough for me? I guess to say i don't "need" a man is a cop out. At least for me, when i planned on being alone with my cats or some shit not because i didn't need or want one. I just don't want the hurt that comes along with the process. And i keep hurting myself. The question is how do i stop? I know why, because i honestly don't think i deserve love or will find someone who will love me the way i love. Ik my inner child is crying and she's seeping into my adult life...i just don't know what to do. I'm tired of crying, and hurting. And it's my fault. I should have written this on paper but it was just easier to sit on the end of my bed and let my thumbs go to work.
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